Case Study No.1: Painful Caustic Interchange between Couples
Fred: "Did you pick up my dry cleaning?"
Ingrid: (in a mocking tone) "Did you pick up my dry cleaning. Pick up your own damn dry cleaning. What am I, your maid?"
Fred: "Hardly. If you were a maid, at least you'd know how to clean."
This painful caustic interchange was between a couple which ended up in a divorce within the next few year. In a healthy marriage husband and wife feel free to voice a complain. But too often in the heat of anger complaints are expressed in a destructive fashion, and as an attack on the spouse's character.
The difference between complaints and personal criticisms are emotionally cloudy. All too often the criticism comes laden with contempt which are destructive emotions. Contempt are usually expressed not just in words used, but also in a tone of voice and an angry expression. Its obvious form is mockery or insult, particularly the sneer with curled lip or a dimpler (the muscle that pulls the corners of the mouth to the side) that are universal facial signature for disgust.
When one spouse flashes this expression, the other, in a tacit emotional exchange, registers a jump in heart rate. Such emotional volleys are akin to high cholesterol as risk factors for heart disease - the more intense and prolonged, the greater the danger. Negative and hostile thinking then leads to attacks that makes the partner on the receiving end defensive or ready for counter-attack in return. It is a silent sign to the route to separation and within a short time, they ended up in divorce court.
Thoughts of being an innocent victim or of righteous indignation are typical of partners in troubled marriages, continually fueling anger and hurt. Once distressing thoughts become automatic, they are self confirming; the partner who feel victimized is constantly scanning his/her partner to confirm the view, ignoring or discounting any acts of kindness on his/her part that would disconfirm that view. This thoughts triggers an emotional hijacking and thereby ruminating on a list of grievances that remind him/her of the ways he/she victimizes him/her. Even things that was done and are intentionally kind can be reinterpreted through a negative lens and dismissed as feeble attempts to deny and to disconfirm the view.
The effect of these distressing attitudes is to create incessant crisis and make it harder to recover from the resulting hurt or rage. Gottman (psychologist) uses the apt term "Flooding" for this susceptibility to frequent emotional distress. Small issues then become major battles. With time, the problems are seen as severe and impossible to fix. It becomes useless to talk things over. The couple then starts to lead parallel lives. The next step is divorce.
What can couples do to protect the love and affection? What protects a marriage?
Do you readers like to share your opinion and experiences?
(Adapted from Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence)
