Tales from the skylines (Part 1)

Fly the Funny Skies

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples :


Upon boarding, safety announcement:

"Welcome aboard FlightMH xxxx. Please put on your seat belt by inserting the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. If you don't know how to operate one, you shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.'


'Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children.'

'In the event of an emergency landing, your seat cushions will act as cushion against impact; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'


In-flight announcement:

And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'

'The weather to our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than our Airline.'

Captain: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

A plane was taking off from the Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number MH xxxx. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight stewardess brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger then quipped: 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'


Upon arrival at the destination airport:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, we had landed safely. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.'

Another example: 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

Another example: 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!'


Just after a very hard landing, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said: 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!'


On a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to KLIA. Please remain seated with your seat belts tightly fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of the airplane to the gate!'


After a real crusher of a landing, the Flight Attendant came on with: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

Another flight attendant then announced: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of our Airline.'


A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat 'Thanks for flying our airline.' His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

Contributor: Boss Chong