Tale: Writing Resumes

Resume of a job applicant.

Applicant's name: Miss Puteri Noraini

QUALIFICATIONS:
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail."

EXPERIENCE:
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."

EDUCATION:
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

SPECIAL SKILLS:
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation."

REFERENCES:
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."