Case Study No.1: Painful Caustic Interchange between Couples
Fred: "Did you pick up my dry cleaning?"
Ingrid: (in a mocking tone) "Did you pick up my dry cleaning. Pick up your own damn dry cleaning. What am I, your maid?"
Fred: "Hardly. If you were a maid, at least you'd know how to clean."
This painful caustic interchange was between a couple which ended up in a divorce within the next few year. In a healthy marriage husband and wife feel free to voice a complain. But too often in the heat of anger complaints are expressed in a destructive fashion, and as an attack on the spouse's character.
The difference between complaints and personal criticisms are emotionally cloudy. All too often the criticism comes laden with contempt which are destructive emotions. Contempt are usually expressed not just in words used, but also in a tone of voice and an angry expression. Its obvious form is mockery or insult, particularly the sneer with curled lip or a dimpler (the muscle that pulls the corners of the mouth to the side) that are universal facial signature for disgust.
When one spouse flashes this expression, the other, in a tacit emotional exchange, registers a jump in heart rate. Such emotional volleys are akin to high cholesterol as risk factors for heart disease - the more intense and prolonged, the greater the danger. Negative and hostile thinking then leads to attacks that makes the partner on the receiving end defensive or ready for counter-attack in return. It is a silent sign to the route to separation and within a short time, they ended up in divorce court.
Thoughts of being an innocent victim or of righteous indignation are typical of partners in troubled marriages, continually fueling anger and hurt. Once distressing thoughts become automatic, they are self confirming; the partner who feel victimized is constantly scanning his/her partner to confirm the view, ignoring or discounting any acts of kindness on his/her part that would disconfirm that view. This thoughts triggers an emotional hijacking and thereby ruminating on a list of grievances that remind him/her of the ways he/she victimizes him/her. Even things that was done and are intentionally kind can be reinterpreted through a negative lens and dismissed as feeble attempts to deny and to disconfirm the view.
The effect of these distressing attitudes is to create incessant crisis and make it harder to recover from the resulting hurt or rage. Gottman (psychologist) uses the apt term "Flooding" for this susceptibility to frequent emotional distress. Small issues then become major battles. With time, the problems are seen as severe and impossible to fix. It becomes useless to talk things over. The couple then starts to lead parallel lives. The next step is divorce.
What can couples do to protect the love and affection? What protects a marriage?
Do you readers like to share your opinion and experiences?
(Adapted from Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence)
10 comments:
what protects a marriage?
abundance of sincerity & sensitivity... that if one can find it within one inner self.
marriage is a relationship. as with all relationship it must be nurtured and managed.
Marriage:
Its two people understanding each other well over the years. Growing together
Divorce:
Its two people understanding each other well over the years. Growing apart.
I think people during their courtship phase should drop their act. Let's face it, most of us are guilty of putting a false front thinking we CAN change the other party after marriage. :-(
Dun slam me har.. for ladies better look for staunch Christian husbands. You can always throw bible verses at him..:-P Joking joking only.
I think if couples realize the importance to respect each other from the start of the relationship, a lot of such problems could have been avoided.
Respect demands courtesy, by way of speech and action.
Some people think that it is alright to be rude to each other in the name of honesty. That is the biggest mistake in a marriage. It may not ultimately lead to divorce for most couples but it surely does not contribute to an emotionally satisfying union for life.
A glass that's cracked can never be whole again. Why not handle with care in the first place?
as life is far too short for too many heartaches...
then if both can't stay happily married then both should stay happily divorced..
Thanks to all for your opinions. Its well said.
This is the view of psychologist:
When grievances simmer, they build and build in intensity until there's an explosion. Most notably missing in couples who eventually divorce are attempts by either partner to de-escalate the tension. There's absence of ways to repair a rift.
Every strong emotion has at its root an impulse to action. Managing those impulse is the basic to emotional intelligence. Calming down is an immensely constructive step. Tackling the problem head-on is another. By tackling these thoughts and challenging them, rather than simply being enraged or hurt by them, a spouse can begin to become free of their hold.
Listening is a skill that keeps couples together. Both must manage to listen past their anger, and hear and respond to a partner's reparative gesture.
Peace offering are implicit in what their partner is saying, if only they are not fixated on the specifics if the issue at hand.
It is also necessary to purposely ignore the hostile and negative parts of criticism and to hear the main message.
The most powerful form of nondefensive listening is empathy; actually hearing the feelings behind what is being said. Empathy deteriorates when one's own feelings are so strong that they allow no physiological harmonizing, but simply overrides everything else.
"Mirroring" is commonly used in marital therapy. When one partner complaint, the other repeats it back in her own words, trying to capture not just the thoughts, but also the feelings that go with it. This cause them to be in emotional attunement and de-escalate the tensions.
Finally, respect and love disarm hostility. Let the partner knows thaty you can see things from the other's perspective, and that his/her point of view may have validity even if you do not agree with it yourself.
Take responsibility and apologize if you are in the wrong. At the minimum, convey and acknowledge the emotions being expressed.
At other times, compliments, finding something which can be genuinely appreciated and voicing some praise can build up emotional capital and positive feelings.
I believe one thing..
Good sex maintain the marriage!
A lot of divorced people I met, gave a lot of reason... But later I found out that they are not satisfied at each other on that one particular thing...
They will stay to their partner even the partner is 'garang' or 'ugly' as long as that element is well fulfilled.
Don't trust me? look around...
why suddenly a clip like this? what a coincidence that i having a lousy day post major blowup with the wife, this pops up. it is food for thought, i was thinking of sending it to my wife to read as well but she has access to her email and she doesnt read anything longer than 2 sentences.
a shame really it would really help us both.
Terang Bulan,
I somehow believe that passionate sex does help, tho' not absolute. But sex alone wouldn't stop the rot; bad character and temperament aggregates and destroy. Empathy will stimulate growth of love.
Young Malaysian,
Sorry to hear about your problem. I'm sure you know how to resolve it. The above ideas from psychologist may help. Try!!!
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